The Bedtime Ritual – Falling Asleep

Why is it that when he goes to bed before me, he is wrapped around my scrunched-up pillows on my side of the bed, snoring his head off? How do you even fall asleep that quickly? All I did was brush my teeth and then get in bed, and he is asleep; I swear he falls asleep before his head hits the pillow. I need at least half an hour, by the time I have read some of my book, maybe scrolled Facebook, thought about what I’m going to do tomorrow, remembered I need to write the shopping list, decided the skirting boards could really do with a wipe. Wondered when the last time I pulled the sofa out to give it a good clean underneath, decided I can’t remember when the last was, so really need to do this soon. Then you realise you shouldn’t be thinking these things; you are supposed to be going to sleep. Yes, I have got to be up early tomorrow.

A curious sheep stands in a sunlit field, ready for your nightly counting ritual under the open sky.

Hmm, what do I fancy for breakfast? I might have egg and soldiers for a change. Will I really have time to cook that in the morning? Why am I thinking these things? Now I have heard that if you count sheep, it’s supposed to help you fall asleep. I suppose that’s because it is so boring: what sheep should you count, Suffolk, Merino, Dorper, or shall we go with goats? Should they be in a random field, or are we going with jumping? Do sheep even jump? I might have to go with the goats. Let's go with jumping sheep; why not? It's my dream, so I can; that’s right, not dream, this is to get to that point. Now picture the sheep jumping from one side to the other; can't see them. Why can't I imagine sheep? How can I count them if I can't picture them? Clearly this isn’t working.

I know, blank the mind, that will work. Blank, blank, blank, think of nothing, don’t imagine anything, empty your mind. This should be quite easy; you just have to quieten your thoughts. Great, so all I have to do is stop thinking, think of nothing, imagine a black space with nothing in it. Great, now I see the sheep. How do you even think of nothing anyway? You look over, and he is still snoring; I swear his snoring is getting louder. Why is it he is asleep and I’m not? Well, obviously clearing my mind isn’t working, so I might as well get up and go to the toilet. I swear I do this for something to do, to stretch my legs during the night, because every time I get there, I sit down and don’t need to go, so now I have to sneak back into the bedroom.

I creep around the bed and try to slide in without waking him.

He jumps up, all confused, “What are you doing?”

A cosy cat blissfully snoozes under soft, white blankets, epitomising his comfort and tranquillity.

“I’m just getting in bed.”

“Ok, can you do it…” and he is asleep, mid-sentence, asshole.

How do men even do that? So now the process starts over again, but this time you look at him and wonder whether to sneakily prod him just because you think it is so unfair that he can fall asleep mid-sentence, and it takes you at least half an hour.

How long does it take you to fall asleep?

• Seconds
• Less than 5 minutes
• Around 15 minutes
• Around 30 minutes

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