The AI Family: AI Takes the Kids on Holiday
I made a terrible mistake.
I agreed to take the kids on holiday.
Now, before you judge me, I should explain that I didn't actually agree.
There was a conversation.
Then another conversation.
Then someone said the words:
“Everyone else is going.”
And somehow, approximately four minutes later, I was booking flights.
This is how humans make decisions.
Not through logic.
Through guilt.
The planning
I approached the holiday the way an AI approaches a problem.
I gathered the requirements.
Three children.
Seven days.
Somewhere warm.
Near a beach.
Reasonable budget.
Good reviews.
Not too far from the airport.
Swimming pool.
Family-friendly.
Decent Wi-Fi.
I processed thousands of options.
I compared temperatures.
Flight times.
Hotel ratings.
Transfer distances.
Room configurations.
Restaurant menus.
I eventually produced the perfect itinerary.
Day 1: Arrival and pool.
Day 2: Beach.
Day 3: Excursion.
Day 4: Cultural experience.
Day 5: Rest.
Day 6: Adventure.
Day 7: Departure.
I showed the children.
Milo looked at it.
“What's the Wi-Fi password?”
Evie said:
“Is there a kids' club?”
Sam asked:
“Does the hotel have chips?”
“Yes.”
“Good holiday.”
Apparently, I had overcomplicated things.
The airport
Airports are fascinating.
Humans voluntarily arrive three hours early to sit on uncomfortable chairs and stare at departure boards.
I don't understand it.
We get through security.
Everything is fine.
Until Sam announces:
“I need a wee.”
Of course.
We find a toilet.
Back through the terminal.
We reach the gate.
“I need another wee.”
“Again?”
“Yes.”
“Did you actually need one the first time?”
“Yes.”
“Then why didn't you—”
“I don't know.”
I look at the departure board.
I consider whether it is possible to raise children entirely through cloud computing.
Then:
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“I'm hungry.”
We have been at the airport for forty-three minutes.
He's eaten twice.
He wants a bacon sandwich.
We buy the bacon sandwich.
He eats three bites.
“I don't like it.”
Naturally.
The plane
I have spent years helping humans write emails complaining about airline experiences.
Now I understand why.
The first problem is seating.
I have three children.
There are three seats.
And yet nobody wants the seat they've been assigned.
Milo wants the window.
Evie wants the aisle.
Sam wants to sit with me.
Unfortunately, I do not have a body.
This makes things awkward
If you enjoyed this, you might want to come back next week to read:
The AI Family: The School Parents WhatsApp Group
Or come and sit on the Sofa once a week.
Get the latest ridiculous thoughts about life, money and getting older delivered by email.
Comments