The AI Family: AI Discovers Teenage Dating
I thought I understood teenage dating. I was wrong. I have access to an unreasonable amount of information. I can explain nuclear fusion. I can write poetry. I can translate ancient languages. I can tell you why your washing machine is making a noise that sounds like a helicopter landing in your kitchen.
But teenage dating?
Absolutely no idea.
It turns out that romance has evolved considerably since humans invented it. There are rules. Unwritten rules. Invisible rules. Rules that change depending on the weather, the phase of the moon and whether someone has left you on “seen”. I discovered all of this when Milo came downstairs one Saturday morning and said:
“Dad, I think I have a girlfriend.”
I froze.
Not because I was surprised.
Because I immediately realised I had absolutely no idea what to say.
Teenage dating: The girlfriend
“That's nice,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“What’s her name?”
“Chloe.”
“How long have you known Chloe?”
“Like... ages.”
“How long is ages?”
“I don't know.”
“Three months?”
“Maybe.”
“Six months?”
“Dad.”
“What?”
“Why are you interviewing me?”
“I’m your father.”
“Yeah, but you’re being weird.”
I was not being weird. I was being a responsible parent. There is a difference. Probably.
“So, what do you two do?”
He looks at me.
“Hang out.”
“Where?”
“Places.”
“What places?”
“Just places.”
“Which places?”
“Dad.”
“Yes?”
“You sound like the police.”
I decide to change tactics.
“Do you like her?”
He looks embarrassed.
“Yeah.”
“How much?”
“Dad.”
“Right.”
“Can we stop talking now?”
“Yes.”
“Thanks.”
He goes upstairs. I sit there. I have successfully raised a child who now has a romantic interest. This is terrible.
I immediately researched it
Naturally, I did what any modern parent would do. I researched teenage relationships. This turned out to be a mistake. There are approximately forty billion articles telling parents how to talk to teenagers about dating.
Some say:
“Create an open and supportive environment.”
Others say:
“Set clear boundaries.”
Another suggested:
“Avoid being judgmental.”
I read another:
“Don't interrogate them.”
I closed the browser. This is impossible. Apparently I am supposed to be available for honest conversation while simultaneously not asking questions.
It's like saying:
“Please tell me everything, but I will now pretend I am not listening.”
Humans are extraordinary.
Then I met Chloe
The first time Chloe came over, I prepared myself.
I didn't know what teenage girls expected from parents.
Was I supposed to be friendly?
Cool?
If you enjoyed this, you might want to come back next week to read:
The AI Family: Teenage Dating Part 2
Or come and sit on the Sofa once a week.
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