Epic Failure - I had a fag during my stop smoking journey

So today was an epic fail.

Got up this morning in an amazing mood, had a right laugh at 6 am, went to work and then within an hour and a half I had had a fag, I was on day 47. The worst part is that I didn't even have it because I really craved one; it was the habit that I craved. I craved the escape smoking gives you when you take yourself out of a situation to settle your inner rage.

Gutted.

I have been using the Nicorette inhalers because I really don’t like chewing gum or patches, but I ran out of the inserts yesterday and haven’t received my order yet; it's due today. I only use one insert a day, and the packet says you can use up to six. I thought I was doing really well, but clearly not as well as I gave myself credit for.

This is a new one for me; it tasted horrible. I have always said that I really enjoyed smoking, but I can honestly say now that, no, I don’t. It hurt my throat, made me gag, and the head rush was unreal, but for some strange reason I powered through and finished the cigarette. Why? All I can taste and smell is cigarette, which isn’t nice, and my head is spinning.

Do I feel better for it?

Strangely enough, I do feel slightly calmer but can’t decide if that’s genuine or psychological. I really don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea. And I don’t understand how I could have thought smoking was enjoyable for so many years.

My head is going one hundred miles an hour, and I can't straighten my thoughts out (more than normal). I need to get loads of stuff sorted but don’t know where to start. I swear I was doing better before the fag. Epic failure.

The plan

Balancing inner peace: exploring new paths to tame your inner rage, learning peace whilst stopping smoking.

From now on, when I get stupidly stressed and need to do twenty jobs all at once, find my inner zen; don’t think it will make it easier to do after a cigarette. That is not a thing. Believe it or not, it is still the same stress as before; the only difference is that you had a minute to settle your thoughts (the time it takes to smoke a fag) before deciding what to do next. So next time, don’t be so stupid (and don’t run out of Nicorette).