Where life's contradictions get comfortable

So I am sitting here thinking: should I do this? Do I delve into the world behind the hardest question in my life right now?

I am now trying to navigate how much change is actually needed in my life to find peace again. How much I need to change to be able to get up in the morning without my first thought being either anger, defeat, surrender or grief.

My two kids have just turned adults, although they try not to do any adulting lol, but I do secretly like this, as they still let me be Mum and humour me as though they still need me. I’m not put out to pasture just yet. My youngest is 18 and is an apprentice; he is doing really well, and if he continues on his path, he will be set for life. He is saving to buy his first home, going away on holiday, having quiz nights, got his car license and just passed his motorbike theory

Do I really still want to chase things? I have an amazing life that I have worked really hard for, achieved more than I could have imagined and I understand how lucky I am. The problem is, there is nothing wrong; make that make sense. It’s not like I want problems, because believe me I don’t. I don’t really know what I want. I am comfortable… and completely lost. I have a good life, but if I want to scream. I am tired of fighting, but if I don’t have that, who am I, and what

Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought, what the hell am I doing? I turned forty expecting to feel settled. Instead, I woke up wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. The strange thing is... nothing is actually wrong. My kids are doing well. My house is paid off. I have a partner who loves me. I earn decent money. So why does it feel like I'm quietly falling apart?